life..work...and family
i was planning to write it on my notebook as in handwriting..but then no one's home and im currently thinking a lot of things(when did i never think) lol
during the first quarter of the year..i always got a lot of things to plan and to think about..and it all encompasses the major aspects of my life...
today, my boss talked to me regarding my work..its not saying bad or criticisms but it hurts a little and seal the deal for another yet big decision i want to make this year...he talked to me about swapping my role currently with a more challenging role..actually i am not sure how to take it...maybe it hurts because the reactive me said..i can work under pressure...but the passive me decided to just nod and listen..i know my weakness...for the last year..i have been struggling what to do in my current team..i feel like sometimes i am thinking too much about it..and i am belittling myself..my former boss told me..to have confidence...in my previous rants..i was asking where did that confidence go...was it taken away when i fell in love and got rejected hehehhee...
we are 4 senior members in our team..i am the 3rd senior and experienced hire..as in every company...there will be always be expectations from you..technically speaking i am not very skilled..and functionality too..i feel like sometimes its too complicated for me...studying those program codes and following their logic..i hate math during college and i think i failed one of the math subjects..hahahaha...but the money is here...hahahaha or so i thought...but times have been changing..so i am not sure if IT still have the highest salary....
and so comparisons will not be avoided...when i joined the team..i didn't have the on hand's training my other colleague gave to the other one(i actually half jokingly said to my colleague he didn't give that same training and treatment--but then over time i realized he has too much on his hands to even bother about me)..then they decided to let me handle admin tasks...i have my ups and downs..getting scolded by managers for simple mistakes...i have feel pressured and everything...and then they say i am too nice and not good..hahaha..it is offending even though the one who said it no offense meant...i always tell myself to accept criticisms since i asked for it..but sometimes...oh not sometimes..all the time i get emotional deep inside me...
sometimes i tell myself i am late bloomer..i learn too slowly...despite the expectations of me...and when i am feeling this way...it always makes me think..what if you downgrade or do a non IT role..then my mind and heart was telling will it be enough for your lifestyle and your family...
and the answer is a resounding NO
at this point of my career or work life..i am envious of acquaintances and friends same age or younger ones who are managers or top level...but i always told myself..they deserve it because they worked hard for it..everything will be yours when you worked and put your heart in it..maybe this is something i am missing...or maybe just maybe...i am better somewhere someday :)
during the first quarter of the year..i always got a lot of things to plan and to think about..and it all encompasses the major aspects of my life...
today, my boss talked to me regarding my work..its not saying bad or criticisms but it hurts a little and seal the deal for another yet big decision i want to make this year...he talked to me about swapping my role currently with a more challenging role..actually i am not sure how to take it...maybe it hurts because the reactive me said..i can work under pressure...but the passive me decided to just nod and listen..i know my weakness...for the last year..i have been struggling what to do in my current team..i feel like sometimes i am thinking too much about it..and i am belittling myself..my former boss told me..to have confidence...in my previous rants..i was asking where did that confidence go...was it taken away when i fell in love and got rejected hehehhee...
we are 4 senior members in our team..i am the 3rd senior and experienced hire..as in every company...there will be always be expectations from you..technically speaking i am not very skilled..and functionality too..i feel like sometimes its too complicated for me...studying those program codes and following their logic..i hate math during college and i think i failed one of the math subjects..hahahaha...but the money is here...hahahaha or so i thought...but times have been changing..so i am not sure if IT still have the highest salary....
and so comparisons will not be avoided...when i joined the team..i didn't have the on hand's training my other colleague gave to the other one(i actually half jokingly said to my colleague he didn't give that same training and treatment--but then over time i realized he has too much on his hands to even bother about me)..then they decided to let me handle admin tasks...i have my ups and downs..getting scolded by managers for simple mistakes...i have feel pressured and everything...and then they say i am too nice and not good..hahaha..it is offending even though the one who said it no offense meant...i always tell myself to accept criticisms since i asked for it..but sometimes...oh not sometimes..all the time i get emotional deep inside me...
sometimes i tell myself i am late bloomer..i learn too slowly...despite the expectations of me...and when i am feeling this way...it always makes me think..what if you downgrade or do a non IT role..then my mind and heart was telling will it be enough for your lifestyle and your family...
and the answer is a resounding NO
at this point of my career or work life..i am envious of acquaintances and friends same age or younger ones who are managers or top level...but i always told myself..they deserve it because they worked hard for it..everything will be yours when you worked and put your heart in it..maybe this is something i am missing...or maybe just maybe...i am better somewhere someday :)
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